I don't fight no more.

All my life I've been trying to do what's "right". As naive and unrealistic as that sounds it is the truth. I believe in love, people, unity, the needs of the many outweighing the few, etc. My beliefs make me gullible but they also make me go hard as fuck when I feel like I'm doing the right thing. That's about as doubled edged of a sword you will find in the world. I am not always right and I am incompetent when I don't know if I'm doing the right thing.

I don't know what else to do but try tho. Like I've been the most depressed and mentally unwell this year, than I have ever been and being sick for so long, being stuck in one place it just makes me question everything. I used to want vindication, revenge, recompense, I wanted some kind of exchange for the abuses I suffered trying to be a good person and fighting for people. Now I just want to be left alone.

I can't say that I'll feel like this forever. I've learned that there has to be a balance between changeability and resolve. But really right now all I want is peace. I want to do what I can but no more and no less.

I want to live with the results of my efforts rather than trying to ensure a favorable outcome. I want to be willing to lose as much as I am willing to win. That comes with time I believe.